Honesty (Part 2)

20 Aug

Continuing  my previous blog post, let’s discuss honesty.

Many of us (especially men) will attempt to avoid it altogether. I may have mentioned on Facebook that “men take the path of least rejection”.

It’s true.

By not disclosing things that will cause emotional disruption and massaging or ‘spinning’ the information instead, we believe (initially anyhow) that we are ‘protecting’ our partner from unnecessary emotional stress.

at least this is what we sell ourselves.

It’s certainly what I sold to myself. The harsh reality is that we are also protecting ourselves from having to face our actions that created the atmosphere of non disclosure in the first place.

What a predicament.

We choose the lesser of two evils, which is immediate avoidance-even if it means lying. It’s amazing how it gets to that terrible place…but it does. Now we are trapped in a deceptive process and every period of time and every interaction becomes another opportunity to fortify our deceit.

It’s a mess. Most often the truth comes out eventually and if it has been ‘protected’ for too long and too many stories have been built up around it, the exposure will do damage. This is regrettable but very frequent in most close relationships.

When it happened to me I was completely unable to avoid the consequences, and I suffered. Eventually I recovered but it was the most difficult experience of my life.

I don’t know the answer because it clearly is not as simple as “honesty at any cost.” Do we tell our children that they suck at what they are trying to do? Do we tell our Mom that the jam she has been making all these years is really not very good and we don’t eat it, but throw it out after it sits in the fridge for 6 months? Do we tell a good friend that we have found a better friend whose company we enjoy better?

Where do we demand honesty? When is it more helpful than counter productive…or even destructive?

I think honesty is difficult in close relationships. Unfortunately, it is often seriously undervalued in the beginning and turns out to be absolutely imperative later on. To have a long term quality relationships I believe we have to integrate it from the beginning with some sense of balance and commitment.

This is very, very hard to do in real life. It’s so easy to ‘side step’ issues in order to avoid tension and complication.


One Response to “Honesty (Part 2)”


  1. Honesty (part 1) « - August 20, 2010

    […] Be sure to read my followup for this posting, Honesty (part 2). […]

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